Breaking Wind
by Calli Maxwell
Summary: my first parody ever, something will probably earn me alot of flames and such...but it was fun writing.


My Prediction for Breaking Wind...uh...I meant Dawn...

Hello, my name is Isabella Swan, but everyone calls me Bella becuase I like it much better and it definatly makes me sound more grown-up. I have the perfect husband in the entire world, living and dead, and his name is Edward. He is a Vampire, but does not suck human blood, though he really really really wants mine all the time. His family drinks animal blood instead because they're believe in living alongside humans, which I think is really cool.

As I was saying, my husband is perfect but I am not. Nope, I am just plain average Bella but everyone in the world wants me. Werewovles, Vampires, Humans, Sea Monkeys...what's that? They're not? Oh...well, I'm still just plain average Bella and there's absolutely nothing special about me. Except, you know, Vampire powers don't work me, at all. Edward can't read my mind, Jane can't use her freaky pain inducing powers on me, nothing. I am invnsible, which, of course, just makes everyone want me even more. Oh! And my blood is very very very very very very very sweet smelling and every vampire within a thousand mile radius of me desperatly desires it. In fact, I bet the come from every corner of the WORLD just for me!

But I'm just average. Don't forget that. What am I saying? You won't because I'll keep reminding you, many times throughout the story, and it will eventually get so annoying you'll hate me, but that's okay because I'm Bella, average, and have the perfect husband!

And you're just in time, he's about to turn me into a Vampire. I'm so excited because it's the thing I've been waiting for for my entire life! My whole life, even before I met Edward.

"Are you sure, Bella? Sure sure sure sure surey sure?" Edward asked, his perfect hair falling into his perfect face, his perfect eyes glowering perfectly with concern for my average well being. I was so in love, hearts grew from my eyes!

"Yes, I'm sure Edward. I love you and I want to be with you forever!" Or atleast until I get so confused about my love life, I start loving Jacob again. But then I'll just realized I love Edward more and break his heart again because I don't really care.

"Okay." Edward shrugged and bit my neck. Wow...it was much more painful then I expceted but I was too excited to care.

"Perfectly perfect perfection..." I muttered and then passed out, clunking to a floor like a dead tree.

Some Amount of Time Later that No One Wanted to Count

I woke with a strange feeling in my neck, kinda like that feeling you get when a new zit's coming in, but I don't get zits cause I'm Bella, Average! Anyway, I sat up and was like "WOAH!"

"Hello, love, you are awake." Edward blatantly stated the obvious, staring at me with his perfect golden eyes, smikring lovingly...and perfectly. I nodded and walked over to him, feeling my face and arms with my hands. It felt so perfect...I was perfect now!

"Edward...what can I do?" I asked him, my voice better than Rosalie's! I was the most awesomest vampire ever! I bet I could do lots of cool things and I bet people still wanted me.

"Well, just give it a try and we'll find out." He said and I nodded, closing my eyes.

'Wow!" Carlisle and everyone came running up the stairs, all exciteded and in love with me. "I can do a lot of things, guys! I can read minds, see the future, see the past, sense other Vampires, fly, boil water, freeze water, control all the elements including Dark and Light, teleport, and add without a calculator!

"Wow, Bella, you're the most amazing vampire ever with all your amazing powers that are so much better than ours!" Alice exclaimed and I nodded, glowing proudly with pride. I was so happy about being a Vampire. I had even skipped the newborn stage and perfectly as ease like I'd been a Vampire all my life. I didn't even want human blood!

"ARG! WE ARE BAD VAMPIRES! WE'VE EXISTED FOR THREE SECONDS IN THIS STORY BUT WE MADYLY IN LOVE WITH BELLA AND WANT HER AMAZING POWERS! GRRRRRRRR! GIVE US BELLA FOR SHE ALL THAT IS RIGHT AND DESIRABLE IN THIS WORLD!" A thousand voices shouted and we all gasped in fear.

"Bella, I will protect you because I am perfect Edward and you are my love!" My perfect Edward exlcaimed but I shook my head and defended tham all.

"I will not go with you! Be gone!" I shouted and they all died. Yay me!

And that's how Breaking Wind...er Dawn will go


End file.
